On 21st June, 2018 I lost my best friend Alexa to suicide. She was battling cancer, she was pregnant and she was fighting with monsters some of us had clearly no clue about. I try not to think about it because it was hard letting go. She was the only person I spoke to for a couple of months before that. She understood me. She treated me like her little sister. She was my guardian angel. I never met her in person but I could always count on her no matter what for. When nothing goes right but you have that one person who does things to cheer you up, to make you smile – you gotta hold on to them. I tried holding on but maybe my love wasn’t enough. My heart hurts when I think of the moment I received the message that you’re gone. You decided to end it. It was definitely harder for your family and especially your brother and sister because I know how much they loved you. I did too. I’ve completely shunned talking to the people whom we both knew.
I lost my dad when I was younger and now I lost my best friend, and I know many of us have dealt or known of someone who has gone through this great pain and sadness of losing a parent or close loved one. When we lose a mom, dad, brother, sister, or any loved one it’s an incredible pain that no words can describe. They say the most beautiful things in life can’t be seen or touched, but must be felt with the heart. I believe in the same truth that the worst pains in life can’t be seen or touched, but must be felt by the heart. During, these painful times most humans shut down, they need time and space to take it in, no words fix anything. Some words might bring comfort to your heart and soul. No words never really make one better when losing a loved one and it’s because when there is a time for happiness and a time for joy there is also a time for grief and time for embracing our emotions. So, feeling sad and having your heart completely shattered is okay. Laying in bed for couple days or weeks is okay, don’t get me wrong we all have our timing to heal.
Take your time. Its okay to not go out, it’s okay to tell people you’re hurting and want some alone time. It’s okay to break down in public, you’re so beautiful, and you need to remember that. Being weak is often the strongest thing you can do. I, personally, would’ve saved myself a lot of pain and sorrow if I would’ve let my ego go a long time ago and ask for help.
I learned that Just because we have to walk through those paths of life, that we don’t have to stay there. You have to let them go and not hold onto that pain, because like in my case holding on sometimes does more damage than good. Think of it as a rope that you’re holding onto, your hands are well gripped on it, as the rope is being pulled your hands will become fragile and weak. Let go, you’re only hurting yourself, and they wouldn’t want that, trust me and trust them. I don’t know who you might have lost, but I do know one thing, and that’s that they’re going to a better place and they would want you to be happy. Yes, they might have passed, and it seemed like a part of you died and was taken with them, but a part of them was also kept alive in you and will stay with you. Don’t let their loss be an excuse to stay hurt, let it be your purpose. Live for them and celebrate their wonderful life. Whenever something is hard, and you feel weak, remind yourself what you been through, remind yourself who is on your side and say because of that event happening I will get through this! We humans often think of our world in such little perspective, we fail to acknowledge that when we die, only our physical bodies die, but not our souls. That beautiful soul you lost isn’t gone. Yes, you might not be able to see them or touch them physically, but they are still there just not in the way that we would like them to. Don’t think about the things you wish you could’ve said because you still can. Say it to them now. They are still here, watching over you. Don’t worry about the last conversation you might have had, because they can see and know what you honestly feel.
They are now an angel watching over you, they love you, and they know you love them. It’s true you might not be happy all the time, but you can always be at peace knowing they are in a better place, knowing they can still hear you and see you. On the day they passed away try to do something they enjoyed doing in their memory, do something to celebrate them. Let it be your drive, grow through what you go through. When you remember them, don’t remember how sad you felt. Instead, remember your strength and purpose in their memory. If you’re still hurting talk about it, cry about it, its okay, write letters to them and store them away. Cherish their belongings, but remember that Love you had for them and that Love they had for you, is still there. Love is the one thing that we are capable of having that can transcend time and space.
Today is a new day. Come up with a plan, chip away at it, step by step. Be consistent and see progress. Focus on a few things that you’re passionate about. Work harder than before. Be STRATEGIC, be ORGANISED, be informed. Be POSITIVE. You are worthy without anyone’s approval. You are valuable even if someone told you otherwise.
Do not be the sailboat that changes direction with the wind. Be the lighthouse that stands tall, unwavering, shining a light so bright that others are guided to good places by it.
Thank you for always being there with me.
In loving memory of my friend Alexa. I love you.